All Terrorists are Muslim, therefore all Muslims are Terrorists

A Ballad in Plain D-monic Logic
by Ginkminos

Our world is changing. Fast. And in ways that even the more visionary of our ancestors could not have imagined. Believe it or not, many of these changes actually do benefit mankind as a whole, or at the very least a significant part of it. The dreaded curse of consumerism, for instance, has led to an unprecedented rise in the living standards of millions across the globe who would otherwise still be floundering in the murky waters of abject poverty.

Man has been to the moon, can order pizza delivery without speaking to another person, and is able to replace the human heart. These are just some of the marvels of our age. The imminent end of religion as the preeminent guiding principle in our lives signals yet another miracle [sic], which the more rational amongst the populace of terra firma are preparing to celebrate with the kind of fervour more commonly reserved for rave parties fueled by sex ’n drugs ’n rock ’n roll.

On the flip side, the long awaited and much vaunted renascence of Muhammedanism has been cheered by many. It has also been denounced by many more, including the aforementioned ravers. It is the subject of the most intense debates and is, arguably, the defining discourse of our time. It polarises opinion like no other topic, except perhaps the question of the eminently questionable elegance of Lagerfeld’s Spring Collection.

Much of the debate focuses on the definition of “Terrorism,” and what constitutes this plague on civilised human life. The world is divided into two camps. One which equates Islam with Terrorism, and one for whom Islam offers the only route to the salvation of civilisation. While the latter group is composed exclusively of Muslims, membership of the former camp is open to all and sundry, and does not exclude (sensible) Muslims.

The most feared Terrorists belong to a cult unofficially known as Suicide Bombers ’R Us. Because they believe they are death-proof, possessing an unshakeable faith in Elysian reincarnation, they are not afraid to blow themselves (and many others) up into a million little pieces in order to achieve their evil, if rather fuzzy, goals. Many realistic people feel that, in light of the clear and present danger posed to world peace by these Godless felons, it is high time we renamed our celestial orb Planet Terror.

All this is nothing new, and is widely known. What is not known is how successful the Terrorists have been in their recruitment drive. Until recently Terrorists belonged to every race, colour, creed and sexual orientation known to Man (and at least one orientation known only to the loinclothed saadhu who inhabits one of the more impressive peaks of the Karakoram Range). No more. According to the Galoop Galoop Organisation’s latest global survey, every single non-Muslim Terrorist in the world has converted to Islam, right down to (in the case of males of this disgusting species) gleefully shedding their foreskins.

And we all know how accurate GGO’s surveys are. More accurate even than a mercury-ion clock on a long-term course of anabolic steroids, in case you were wondering.

GGO’s findings reveal that there are no longer any African Terrorists. There are no European Terrorists. No Caucasian Terrorists. No Jewish Terrorists. No Hindu Terrorists. And there are certainly no American Terrorists. (There’s just a whole lot of Bloody Tourists, but that is to be the subject of yet another survey.)

Ah (plop-plop-fizz-fizz), what a relief! This unambiguous homogeneity of Terrorists makes the job of hunting down and liquidating these demons so much easier.

An argument currently doing the rounds, quite disturbing for moral reasons to many in the bleeding-heart liberal community, advocates the extermination of each and every man, woman and child of the Muslim persuasion; thereby eliminating entirely the threat of Terrorism. Thankfully no Nazi gas chamber remains in working order, or the capitalist system would implode with the removal of so many hundreds of millions of consumer-goods consumers (“suckers” in marketing parlance). Where would we be then, hain ji?

In the meantime, until we can find a viable final solution to the terrorist menace, I advise all non-Muslims, and all sane Muslims too, to display extreme caution when faced with anyone

a) Sporting a beard.

b) Wearing a veil.

c) Speaking Arabic (cos you never know, it might just be some unholy incantation).

d) Using the word “bomb” in a sentence, even as a seemingly harmless suffix or prefix. (The commercial hub of India now, thankfully, has the much less frightening handle of “Mumbai.”)

e) Trying to convince you that she is not a Terrorist, even though she is dressed from head to toe in a jet-black tent, with just enough exposure to allow two eyes to peep warily out from within the incarceration of intellectual capitulation and incapacity.

If you do come across such terrifying creatures, please just drop whatever you have in your hands, and run like hell. As Messrs Gilmour and Waters used to sing so eloquently:

If you’re taking your girlfriend out tonight
You’d better park the car well out of sight
Cos if they catch you in the back seat trying to pick her locks
They’re gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box
You better
Run… run… run… run…
Run… run… run… run…
Run… run… run… run…
Run… run… run… run…

---

cross-posted up at Pak Tea House