“I stand up next to a mountain and chop it down with the edge of my hand”

(or What Is & What Should Never Be)

It wuz late an they weren’t nobody insida this room so I dragged the case in here where it wuz dark ’cept fer the tv that’s on an they wuz a nice comfy easy chair fer me ter set in. So I lockt the door an set myself down in it an open up the case an took out the first bottle. Glug-glug glug-glug glug-glug aaaaaaaaaaaah.

So anyway now I’s comfortable settin here in this fancy lazyboy thang an lookin at all o’ them blinkin lights on this big flat-screen tv thang. Now you probly heard about the pres’dent bein the guy who in charge o’ "the button". Y’know the one that start a nuclear war against all o’ them evil people in this world that wants ter destroy our way o’ life (I heard the pres’dent say that on tv one time an like the sound o’ that) like them muzzlem freaks in Eye-rack an Eye-ran an them hindoo freaks in Packiss Tan an them gook freaks in Coe Ria.

Well it all true ’cept it ain’t jess one button. It a whole lotta button with li’l numbers on ’em. An on the big flat screen tv thang they got a map o’ the You Knighted States on one side with a lotta lights flashin sayin S1 an S2 an S34177 an the like. An on the other side’s a map o’ the world with a lotta lights flashin sayin T1 an T2 an T34177 and the like. I don’ get it. Wide they have the same numbers on both o’ the maps. I tell yer they says I’s dumb but some o’ those guys in they fancy suits cud learn a thang or two frum me.

But hold on while I take another swig outa my pint o’ Jack Daniels frum this here casefull I found in back o’ this closet in t’other room. Hoooooooo-ee that some sweet stuff. Not like that evil rotgut I’s use ter. I’s on my fourth pint takin it one at a time. Yes sirree one at a time. Theys eight more ter get thru after that cuz I can’t take ’em outa the buildin an if I leave ‘em here they’s bound ter find it an give it ter somebody else so I best jess finish it tonite. Burrrrp! ‘Scuse me. I guess I’s drinkin it too fast. An I’s sure that fella Charly Daniels be related ter ole Jack here. You member how he sung:

The devil went down to Joe Juh
He wuz lookin fer a soul to steal
He wuz in a bind cuz he wuz way behind
An he wuz willin ter make a deal
He came pon this young man
Sawin on a fiddle an playin it hot
Then the devil jumped pon a hick’ry stump
An said boy lemme tell yer wut

Now I’s also frum down south in Joe-juh an I don’t need to tell yer we got a hiss tree o’ hatin then niggers an them jewboys an that ol’ devil. Even tho Jimmy Cowtah frum they too. I’s frum a big Babble bashin family o’ workin class foke. But I don’ like them padres who gets the people all riled up about these thangs. I sure as hell ain’t no redneck nigger-hatin yokel. My best friend in the whole world a jewboy call Shlomo. An how this came about yer surely wants ter know. Well he save my life one time an that all they is to it. Now he my best friend cuz that’s what they teacht us in Babble class along with stuff about turnin the other cheek an all. An I may not be no saint but I sure as hell ain’t no hell-bound sinner.

Y’know they tells us here in the Wart House that we’s not ter cuss an call people no niggers an jewboys cuz it ain’t perlitickly correct an all. Well down where I come frum we’s teacht ter call a spade a spade an a hoe a hoe an ain’t both o’ them got nothin ter do with farmin. I tell yer it jess ain’t fair not ter let us do it when them bigwigs gets ter do it alla the time.

Why jess last week I wuz moppin up the floor outside o’ the evil office an I hear one o’ them holey add vizer fellas that the pres’dent brung with him all the way from Galveston or thereabouts talkin ter him about the dame they got runnin the Stay Department. Y’know the one they all call Doctor Ass. "Mistah Pres’dent" say this add vizer fella "why I don’t mean ter be no devil’s advo kate but that spade hoe better watch her mouth roun me. I ain’t got no truck with no spade hoes no how an she runnin off at the mouth about shit that ain’t none o’ her cooncern."

Now I ain’t sure about summa the other stuff he said cuz he use a lotta big words. But I sure as hell hear him call her them names an ain’t no mistakin it. It jess ain’t fair.

Yeah but this jaydee sho taste nice. Should I. Shouldn’ I. Should I. Shouldn’ I. Should I press this one here or that one they or this little piggy goin ter market or that little piggy stayin hic at home?

Theys a letter on the desk addrest ter the pres’dent from some guy call John Dutch or somethin cuz that the name at the bottom o’ the letter that I read. Say somethin about nuclear dit dit ditterents an how alla the Pennagone bunch best change they ideas about nukes cuz the way they goin about it ain’t gonna do nothin ’cept make a whole lotta countries wanna have more nukes an makin the chance o’ nuclear war a dead certainty cuz alla the hawks they got in uniform is in love with nukes. Whadduz he mean hawks. I thought they got generals up they in the Pennagone. Don’ tell me they went an made it into a hic bird sank cherry. Thass too bad. Thass jess tooooooo bad. Them generals use ter look reel nice in them uniforms.

Way I see it this Dutch fella tellin the pres’dent off an that ain’ right. He the pres’dent an yer can’t talk like that to the pres’dent. Speshly not this one. He a real standup guy an I can’t stand ter hear no bad things about him. He a good man. Why one time I was dustin the shelfs in the evil office an they wuz this hi falutin meetin with alla them generals an all. An they go quite an lookin at me like I’s stupid or somethin. Then the pres’dent says ter them don’t pay ole Joe no mind. He’s y’know special like. You can say annnnnny thang in frunner him an it won’t make no bit o’ difference. An I tell yer I felt so proud that day that my pres’dent trust me so much. Why they should put me in ter the secret service cuz I swear I’d take a bullet for the guy any ole day.

So I guess it alright if I’s here in the nuke room cuz the pres’dent trust me an I’s sure hic he won’t mind if I decide ter let off one o’ them nukes on one of our enemies. Cuz y’know he hic trust me. An he can’t do it hisself cuz o’ the me dear you dear problems he gonna have if he let one or two off. But I know he wanna do it cuz I hear him say so many times if only he cud nuke them sumbitches ter hell then all his problems be over. Anyway I’s retirin in two months an I’s already due fer my pension. Alla the me dear you dear problems don’t bother me none.

But which one which one which one ter blast in ter kingdom come like Father Johanssen use ter say. I guess it gotta be them damn hindoos in Packiss Tan. Them Eye-racky an Eye-ranny muzzlem terrorists is evil. I know cuz they did nine eleven. An them Coe Reen gooks is plain evil too. But Father Johanssen use ter tell me about them hindoos. Y’know they believes that the soul come back ter life in another body when they dies. An thass plain wrong. Jess plain wrong an I bet they all go straight ter hell fer believin it.

Theys a note here in the pres’dent han ritin says all Packiss Tannies is evil pay guns who can’t be hic trusted an don’ hic deserve ter live. Theys all a bunch o’ fundo mennerlist psychos that keeps fightin between theyselves alla the time an the whole damn cuntree gonna end soon anyway frum too much ker-rupshun. It also say the only god fearin one o’them wuz some chick call Miz Boo Toe an she dead so it ok if I blow the evil sumbitches ter hell. So here hic goes. One hic. Two hic. Three… Ka-boooooom!

Heyyyyy hic who that bangin on the door?

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Transliterated from the Georgian language by yours truly