Something I had thrown together just before the anticlimactic finale of the most bizarre World cup ever. (Exactly six people - including myself - read it at the time.)
SCENE ONE: a sound stage of fairly recent vintage, all mod cons, jam butties on a long table in one corner. Some sort of short promo clip is being shot. The director is in his high-chair, wearing a relatively unstained bib. He has a battery-powered rattle in one hand and a comical, conical megaphone in the other.
The second protagonist of this scene is none other than the (shy?) retiring Glenn McGraw, greatest fast bowler in history, magnificently attired in baggy-green Oxford bags. He is practising various types of smile in a mirror that a mousy-haired assistant is holding up.
Director: Ready, Glenn? Awright everybody... quiet on the set. Take 1...
McGraw: Hi, my name is Glenn McGraw and I'm going to take wife pickets and win the Stashes for my cuntry, before...
Director: Cut, cut, cut! Glenn, that's "country," not "cuntry." And what you do with your wife's pickets... hell, I don't even wanna go there. Oh, and you do remember, Glenn that tomorrow's game is a ONE-DAY game. The final of the 2007...
McGraw: Sorry, Dick, let me just looka' the, looka' the, looka' the... that paper thingy.
Director: It's called a script, Glenn, a script. Basic tool of the acting trade. Somebodyyyyyyyyyyy, please... get him that "paper thingy." Ok... read it? Good. Ready? Ekkkkkkk-cellent. Quiet everybody. Take 2...
McGraw: Hi, my name is Glenn McGraw and I'm going to take five wickets and SHOVE 'EM UP YOUR ARSE, Murali. Then I'm gonna rip a new one...
Director: Cut-cut-cutcutcutcutcutcut CUTTTTTTTTTT
McGraw: What's the matter, Dick, what did I do wrong?
Director: (breathing a little laboured) Well, for one thing, that's NOT in the script...
McGraw: (grinning one of the beaming smiles he has just practised) Ad-billing, Dick, it's called ad-billing. Yeah, I know a little something about it too you know.
Director: It's ad-libbing, and you CAN'T say that sort of thing on camera.
McGraw: (bewildered) Why not? We do it all the time in the field.
Director: That's why they turn the stump mike down so low, Glenn.
McGraw: (more bewildered) Stump mike? (A knowing smile spreads slowly across his face). You mean Virgil, don't you!
Director: (rolling his eyes to the heavens, despite STRICT instructions from the playwright not to do so) Never mind Glenn. Let's just take it from the top shall we. And please... no profanity.
McGraw: You mean no "arse" and no "bugger" and no "yo-mama-so-fat" jokes, right?
Director: (heaving a sigh of relief) Right. OK everybody, let's make this the final take. I've got a camera date with that Shilpa-babe to take care of too, you know. Take 3...
McGraw: Hi, my name is Glenn McGraw and I'm going to take my wife's pants off and whip 'em around my head before diving in to save the game... tongue in cheek, of course... woo-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Director: Glenn, what happened to you. Glenn, Glenn. Heyyyyyyyy, you're not Glenn. You're, you're... oh no, it's SHAME WARNE.
CricOz P.R. Manager Bobby Brown (of Sheik Yerbouti fame): Aw, bugger it Dick, we'll just have to go with a written statement and hope we don't miss the tabloid printing-deadlines.
Director: Grrrrrrrr... for the last time, ok, my name is Hrithik, NOT DICK !
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Lap (dance) dissolve to
SCENE ONE-AND-A-HALF: NOW (as in "this very minute while you're reading this"). Just hours before the 2007 World Cup Final b/w Sri Lanka and Australia.
Dick: (grittng teeth) It's Hrithik, alright? Hrithik... Hmmm, Shilp's, whaddaya think? You're the brainier one of us two. Who do you think we ought to bet our hard-earned Rupee on? Beaming Glenn McGraw or vo doosra vala, kya naam he uss ka?
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Cut to
SCENE TWO: The 2007 World Cup Final b/w Sri Lanka and Australia.
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McGraw at the top of the hill
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